SA Collins

Words and Errata

Words and Errata

Stacks Image 132

Updated: 23 June 2014 [subject to revisions]


A Year In The Life That Never Was

Peet’s Coffee House - 3:37 pm

Shattered Falls, California

I was a fixture at Peet’s for the better part of five years. A known entity then, a complete non-entity now. It was painful to admit but that admission left me a bit raw inside. Though I could hardly blame them. From their perspective, these people, as the saying goes, didn’t know me from Adam. We’ve actually never met in their timeline. They are living the last year of my past as if I never existed, because in their world, I never did.

I walk up to the counter to order my usual: a medium Dark Raspberry Mocha from the studly Bradley Martin who had graduated from our high school a year before me. We had played on the lacrosse team together when I was in my junior year (he was our co-captain along with my best friend, Thorn) and he helped take us to the state championships that year. Thorn had assumed full captaincy on the field while Brad had to observe from the sidelines in those last few games as he’d been seriously injured during one of our regional games. In the end we lost the title, but it had been ‘one helluva year for us’ (our team mantra we’d repeated as we went home to lick our wounds). 

That season had put us on the map. We had had a history then, sadly now, wiped clean. Forgotten. My eyes locked with Brad’s and I wasn’t surprised that there wasn’t any hint of recognition in his handsome face, nor that he knew what I always ordered.

“What can I make for you?” he asked, his cobalt blue eyes that never failed to spark interest in whomever had the fortune to hold his gaze.

That was by-the-book Brad, dependable to a fault.

“Medium Dark Raspberry Mocha with four pumps, non-fat, light whip.”

“That’s a whole lotta Raspberry, there.”

He flashed that winning smile, his near blue-white perfectly-aligned teeth that complemented his ruggedly handsome good looks. I couldn’t help myself as my mind flashed to numerous times I had seen this man completely naked in the showers after a game. The thought that I could recall this and he had no knowledge was profoundly sensual to me. But I let my stalker-like knowledge of him pass with a winning smile of my own.

“To go with the rich dark chocolate, don’tcha know? It’s all about the balance.”

He nodded and said I was definitely right about that one.

No bones about it, Brad was a stud. Primarily because he never acted like he knew it. It was a thought that would simply never cross his mind. One of those really sexy guys who are drop dead lust material because they can’t see it themselves. Hella hot and immediately fuckable; a man you wanted to taste every inch of (and I do mean every inch) and when done, found you had to immediately sign up for seconds. I wished I had, but he was hopelessly straight, which made it even more bittersweet when coupled with his being a really decent and compassionate guy. He’d even been really supportive during my senior year when he had moved on from the local high school drama and gone onto the local JC two towns over but spared part of an afternoon to help me sort out my troubles. I had such affection for him. I knew who he was, where he really shined: on the inside. Some very lucky girl would snag this gem of a guy and I only hoped that she’d do right by him. But now, he knew none of that. It had simply never happened for him, yet, for me it had been a very real and treasured memory. Weird, I know, but that’s one of the many facets to my story. 

Anyway, I paid for my coffee, then moved on to wait my turn for it. A few minutes later and my name was called just like any other patron. I smiled at the manager, Jolene, as she handed me the coffee. I thought for a moment when her eyes lingered on me, narrowing a bit like an old friend long forgotten, that she’d actually remembered me. Though that too faded, along with her smile, as she shrugged it off as some sort of déjà vu moment, choosing to let it go as one of those things you simply can’t explain.

I went to the condiment bar to add a dash of simple syrup to it and slipped the warmer and lid onto the cup when I heard your voice. Being a musician and singer, I am always listening to the timbre of people’s voices. I can’t help it; it’s just in my nature to take note of these things. Sound is very important to me. Before I turned my eyes to you I heard these lovely baritone sounds softly punctuating the room - separating you from the other muted conversations. 

It wasn’t so much what was said, as you were only ordering a mocha like myself, but the sound was warm - like a comforting blanket you wanted to wrap yourself in on a cold morning. I turned to match the body with the voice and my breath hitched a little. You were about my height and build, same dark auburn hair with full deep brown lashes that could paint a barn door from 10 feet away, lashes that girls would kill for but many guys seem to have them naturally. Guys can’t help it. We reflect and personify nature, girls have to bust their ass to emulate it, build upon what they were given. It doesn’t take a genius to see that - just compare various fauna examples around you (birds, mammals, even some insects) and it is the logical conclusion. Yeah, well, this bona-fide man-flesh had it in spades.

Your skin was a shade lighter than my own, but still had the faint rustic hues of a boy who spent quite a bit of time outdoors. I waited patiently, softly blowing into my coffee as if it were too hot though, in reality, just killing some time until I could see the fullness of your face because up to this point I’d only been gifted with breathtaking profiles.

You paid Brad, who you obviously knew because your banter suggested it, and then you turned to make your way to wait by me for your mocha. I wasn’t disappointed in the least at the fullness of your staring back at me. Your green eyes, colored with such vibrant intensity with flecks of dark amber, matching my own. They were like staring up into the redwoods. Beautifully full, bedroom eyes that widened a bit when you’d noticed I was watching you rather unashamedly before yours darted away, a small smirk at the corner of your lips was all I needed to know you’d follow me just about anywhere. 

You were born to be one of us.

I moved to the side so you could have some room to wait as I sipped the hot brew letting its berry chocolatey goodness mellow in my mouth. I watched you moving in to stand next to me, slightly puffing yourself up in an almost involuntary manner, stuffing your hands into the front pockets of your jeans, to gain my attention. I smiled softly as you showed off your physique to me in your letterman’s jacket encasing an open green flannel shirt that hung loose, exposing the taut plain white tee over an exquisitely muscled chest that gathered over your ass-hugging tight 501s that looked painted on well-defined legs tapering down into your green basketball Nikes. You were, quite simply, nature in its finest.

“Heya…” Gee, original Sebastian, you so don’t want to get him all worked up now, do ya? That was so smooth, and soooo not. Instead of allowing you to see me chide away at myself, I smiled and nodded briefly at you.

“‘Sup?” You were trying to be smooth as well, but you managed yours with such spectacular small town aplomb that I sort of fell in love you a little bit right then. Your eyes locked with mine briefly before darting to the floor, only to bounce back to mine to see if I was still looking. I was, and you were so pleased by my efforts.

You made to lean on the condiment counter and nearly knocked over the half-and-half in the process. I heard you curse yourself under your breath for being so clumsy, thinking you’d really fucked up in catching my eye. I smiled and shook my head and started to walk away with a chuckle bubbling up from my lips. The blush across your face declaring you felt like a rube - which admittedly, you were. That much was painfully clear. I knew it well; it had been my story last year. But I was a different boy back then. Not the man I am now. ButI couldn’t help but feel you were so sexy for trying it out on me. I already loved you for it.

I knew you really thought I’d slipped away but I stopped at the door pressing my back into it to make my exit (when I could have just as easily pushed through and never looked back). I chose instead to lock my eyes directly with yours from across the room, finding you gaping after me with an almost pleading look on your face as you’d thought I floated away. I winked at you and nudged my head slightly to the tables Jolene had set up outside to let you know where I’d chosen to sit - away from the crowd inside and their prying eyes and expectant ears. Your name was called by Jolene as I slipped through the door and took my seat. 


Like soda water, I let your name bubble on my tongue as I sat down. Even your name tickled my senses.

It was a surprisingly brilliant day for being slightly overcast. Then I felt a snicker bubble between my lips because when I seriously thought about it, it wasn’t too uncommon for this time of year in Northern California. How much I seemed to have let slip from me already. I marveled at that as you made your way out of the store.

You came bouncing out of the front door a few seconds later, probably at a near jog to get there, and nearly tripped over yourself as you stumbled through, which tugged on my heart. 

So endearing.

I could already feel my lust build for you though now was not the time, so I quietly tucked it away. You’d have to be satisfied with harmless flirting for the time being, and I’d made a note to myself to be sure not to break your heart when I would have to take my leave.

“Mind if I join you?” you asked, that warm sexy voice catching my breath even if yours carried a little nervous waiver in it.

“I thought I’d made that quite clear back there.”

I could see how those words affected you and my own heart lurched a bit at how easy it was to hook you, how much you were craving this sort of attention. I noticed you’d checked me out already and I made sure to sit in a manner that allowed you to do so without leaving much to the imagination. I mean, I wasn’t laying out like some sex starved cat in heat with my ass in the air ready for a good fuck, but I allowed myself to be seen as much as a guy could and still get the point across. You appeared to check out my goods without too much trouble and it was clear, with the slight widening of your eyes, a lick of your lips, you liked what you saw. Nothing could’ve pleased me more.

After seating yourself across from me, which for your part, you were quite careful to do given your nerves were clearly getting the better of you. I reached out and placed my hand upon yours - a light touch, it was there and gone before you’d even registered what I’d done. In that moment, I immediately pulled all of the nervous adrenaline from you, allowing you to catch yourself and return to a peaceful calm.

“Whoa, that was odd.”

“What?” I said as I picked up my mocha to watch the near involuntary reach of your middle and ring finger clearly aching from the lack of my touch. A small part of my heart sank at that. Knowing how unfair all of this was for you. Not touching you was going to prove even more difficult for me; what I’d tasted of you with my caress left me wanting more. You shivered slightly, in a piss shiver kind of way, from head to toe as the last remnants of what I’d leeched from you was drained. I could see you were still reeling from how easy this meeting had progressed. I know I should confide in you how easy I was making this and why, but that could come later as we got to know one another. You, on the other hand, weren’t quite willing to wait.

“How’d you do that?”

“Do what?”

“What you just did there, with your hand,” your eyes became slightly wider, brighter. “Can you do that again?”

I couldn’t help the slight curve to my lips that told you I’d confirmed what you thought I had done.

“Maybe later.”

“I hope there will be…”


“A later… you know?”

I chose a different tract, if we were going to get to know one another I wanted to know who I was talking to.

“What’s your name?”

“Alec” you said extending your hand, eager for my touch again. I took it in a nice warm handshake and you almost looked crest fallen that I hadn’t done anything with that simple touch. Your brow furrowed a bit, thinking that you must have imagined it before.

“Sebastian. But most people just call me Baz.”

“You’re not from here are you?”

“In a manner of speaking…”

“That’s a funny answer.”

“I don’t mean to be vague. It’s just, complicated.”

You frowned hearing the slant in that word.

“Oh, I see. You’re one of those.”

“What do you mean - ‘those’?” I made sure you’d heard the air quotes around your last word.

“The un-availables: hot as all fuck, but married with a wife, kids and so totally not from around here. Just looking for a little side action on the DL.”

“You say that like a man of experience. Care to share the salacious details?” I quirked a brow as I sipped my mocha. You watched my lips, not realizing you were licking your own; the lust coloring your eyes.

“We have the internet, you know. We’re not that backwater. But no, in the interest of clarity, I don’t have tons of experience. Wish I had though. I wished I’d had any experience, of any kind, other than Rosetta Palm and her five boyfriends.” 

You said the last with a wiggle of your right-hand fingers. My lust increasing knowing which hand you preferred. I could suckle upon those fingers just knowing they’d been around your cock. Your face fell a bit at that admission, a boy and his hand his only pleasure. I almost gave in and decided to let you take me right then, if anything just to give this poor boy a release. You must feel like you’re the only gay in the village. For my part, it wouldn’t be a pity fuck either, as I was feeling rather emotionally attached to you already. And believe me, I know how that sounds. But there is more to that as well, as you’d soon come to know.

Though it was in my nature to draw you to me, I knew I had to be careful as I’d made a promise not to affect the timeline drastically this time around. I was here as a courtesy, a favor. In and out without disrupting anything too much. These people needed to move on without our interference. But you were so fuck-worthy with your rustic boy charm and smokin’ hard Steve Grand ‘All American Boy’ teen body, and painfully obvious, still a virgin. For a hormone raging teenage boy, that’s a mighty hard cross to bear. For a gay hormone raging teen boy, it had to be nothing short of pure hell. You needed release and I could quite easily be there for you. I’d satisfy you in ways you couldn’t even imagine. Porn be damned. I’m better than any porn flick you could watch. But not now. As selfish as it might sound, I needed something from you first.

“Well, there’s more than enough time for that.”

“Easy for you…”

“How so?”

“Well, it’s fairly clear a guy like you could get laid by either sex. It must come so easy for you. I can see it, smell it even. You radiate sex.”

I was so pleased that you could smell it on me. I was definitely sending that out to you.

“You’re awfully full of yourself to put that on me.” 

Fear flashed across your face, thinking you’d offended me when nothing could be further from the truth. I relished that you thought that about me. You were so perfect for my cause. I just needed to hook you enough that you’d be mine and would follow wherever I would lead. We were close, only just so.

“Look, I guess I don’t know why I said that. It was rude, even if it is one hundred percent true, but my mouth sometimes gets ahead of my brain and shit just comes out.” 

You were ashamed of your actions, thinking you’d really offended me; I had to admit that it was kind of hot, that you cared enough even though we’d just met. It said a lot about you. I knew how you felt actually, your emotive state mirroring my own a year ago. A sea of turmoil, tension and testosterone - a dangerous, sexually potent mixture.

Without responding, I turned and straddled the bench I was sitting on, stretching fully so you could drink me in, before allowing my back to rest against the tall planter box that encased a row of boxwoods outlining the coffee house patio. I gave you the most predatory gaze I could muster and you swallowed hard watching me pander to your desires. You were quite right in your estimation of me, I was literally sex on two legs. And it was time to reel you in.

I patted the space between my spread legs indicating you should come around to my side and sit next to me. You eagerly got up without any further encouragement from me. It was clear you thought if you hesitated I would rescind the offer.

“Whoa, slow down. C’mere. I ain’t gonna go anywhere. As they say, I’m all yours.”

You blushed at the briskness of your actions, which only added to the pull in my loins that I fought so hard to suppress. You straddled the bench facing me, bringing with you the scent of sunshine and fresh air. I sighed, knowing that you needed this just so you could tell I wasn’t going to leave you just yet. I placed a hand upon the side of your neck to bring your lips to mine when I felt you pull back slightly, a pause, your eyes darting around nervously to see if we were being spied upon - a small town boy all too aware of his surroundings and what you were about to publicly do. Maybe even for the first time.

I stopped and allowed you to look around. You could surely hear the low hum as I slipped us away from your world into that space between your timeline and my own. You could see your world around you but everything was slowing down to a crawl before freezing in time. A hummingbird soaring by was stilled just a few feet from us. You turned your head back to me with astonishment alight in your eyes, clearly knowing I had just altered your place in the world.

“Don’t think. Just let go and kiss me.”

You allowed me to pull you in and we kissed. The first couple of touches of our lips were tenuous on your part. I let you take the lead, let you take what you wanted from me. At first you were a bit awkward, your mouth slanted in not quite the right angle, your touch achingly soft, testing my mouth against your own. I shuddered inwardly, feeling the rush of emotions brimming within. I had to cap that off before you got going too much. I was letting you feel in control here so you would learn to trust me. I needed a connection in this world to anchor myself. I was running out of time. You could be that anchor. 

Memories of your brief life flowed through me from your lips. I sped through the younger years searching for what drove your passions as of late, finding you fixating on a few of your teammates. The curve of their thigh, the rise of their pecs, their abs. I needed this; it would bind me to you. I knew it wasn’t absolutely altruistic on my part, but I was letting you take from me what you wanted in exchange. Tit for tat, the pull from you the rush for me. I would just have to have the strength to stem your desire for the time being. I just wanted to be careful so you didn’t think I was only giving myself to you to get what I wanted. There was a large part of me that was readily willing to just let you take. It was in my nature to do so. I thrived upon it; it is what I am.

After allowing your kiss to deepen as your hands began to reach out and pull me to you, I slowly pulled back, the smallest of whimpers escaping from your lips as I distanced myself.

“What are you?” you sighed, matching my own, though yours was laced with a small chuckle to it.

“Yeah, I sort of expected that. And I’ll tell you, I promise, but you have to be patient and hear it all, and then I’ll ask you a favor. If, after you hear my story, and decide you’ll help me, then we’ll see about what you want to do. I know that sounds odd. I do. But I haven’t a whole lot of time here and I am sort of cheating with all of…,” I indicate the stalled moment in time around us, “…this. I really shouldn’t have done it. But as I said, I’ll give you whatever you want from me. I just need someone to be there for me first, can you do that?”

Your brow stitched together as you considered your options before you nodded briefly, though a look of suspicion, completely warranted - I had to give you that, flittering across your face, before resigning yourself to hear me out. A simple nod was what it all came down to, an acquiescence, a permission I required and now you’d gladly provided.

“Right. You asked me two questions. Simple questions that have complicated answers. But I’d like to answer them for you now. First, you asked if I was from around here. To be completely honest, I am from here. I lived here up until this past year.”

You’d snorted at that. 

“Can’t be. I have lived here my whole life. You can’t be too much older than me which means we would both be going to Whitman at some point. It ain’t that big a school and I would have definitely noticed you. Especially knowing what I know about you now.”

“Fair enough. But what I told you is true. Up until this past year. This was my home, but now it isn’t; it never was. Complicated, see?”

“Yeah, I see.” Then after taking it in more fully - realizing the unspoken implications which made no kind of sense to you, you couldn’t help blurt out, “But, huh?”

I leaned back into the planter again, indicating you should make yourself comfortable, suggesting that you could sit in between my legs with your back to my chest while I spoke. You did so being sure to bring my arms around you with the back of your head in the crook of my neck. You laced your fingers with mine. You liked it when I instinctively bent forward to kiss softly on your exposed neck. You angled yourself a bit more to allow me as much access as I required. I licked softly up the side of your neck to your ear lobe and suckled upon it for a few seconds before kissing behind it twice and then parting so we could continue the conversation. You were hooked, you were mine. Inwardly I shuddered as your life began to flow into mine. But I wasn’t about to leave you that way. In exchange I began to flood you with me - your back to my chest - it was slow, it was arduously slow - but the exchange between us had begun. I had my anchor. I had my precious, and beautiful man-child. Everything was falling into place. 

I sighed, relishing your body as it relaxed into my own.

“There’s a bit to tell, but I think you’ll be fascinated by it all.” 

“If it’s anything like all of this,” you nudged your chin out at the frozen world around us, “Then I’m all in.”

I chuckled softly. Your lack of fear so intoxicating. Bravery, there was never a more heady thing in a man. You didn’t know what you were in for. I’d have to carefully explain why I wanted to tell all of this to you.

“There are parts that you won’t understand how I could possibly know them at the time they were happening. Obviously, I learned of them quite later. Comfy?”

“Against you like this, yeah.”

“Well, let me know if we need to switch it up a bit. I don’t want you to get sore by sitting around too long or anything.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’m good. For the first time, better than good, actually. Okay, all set. So you lived here up ’til last year, and…?”

General Disclaimer
- As I write Fictional Literature with a decidedly queer perspective, I want to make it abundantly clear that I have used imagery of male models that I feel help me convey the vision I have in my head and in my works, but in NO WAY does it imply, construe or insinuate the nature of the male model's proclivities or personal orientation. They are intended merely as a representation as near to I can come to visually describe the men in my works. All copyrights apply to their original content owners (where applicable). I make no such claim.