SA Collins

Words and Errata

I am tired of translating… [NSFW rant]

Okay, straight up – this is a militant gay rant.

So, for most of my life (and I’ve been around the block far more times than I’d like to count), I’ve had to translate stories, pictures, movies and TV – basically, ALL media – for how my world works. And I am tired of translating. I am tired of using the chick in a romcom as my goto when I am soooooo not a chick. Seriously, full on happy I got a cock and balls! Yeah, I played around with the whole androgynous thing in the 80’s – I mean, who didn’t when you had Boy George, Nick Rhodes, and Peter Burns walking around? There was virtually a license whether you were gay or not to femme it up a bit. We didn’t call it guyliner back then, but shit, it was the same damned thing.


Guyliner gods

Beautiful boys who abuse the guyliner (couldn’t be happier with these guys).


There wasn’t a reason not to, really. If males posses a natural beauty that often doesn’t require any enhancement, I mean, you put a little smudged guyliner on ’em and they fucking just pop out at’cha, right?

Anyway, so back to the translating. I know there are many who are complaining that gays are everywhere. Uh, yeah, always been that way and now you just pulled your head outta your ass and saw that we aren’t hiding our shit any more. My way of thinking? I want MORE gay shit in everyone’s face. Fuck, I got your fucking shit crammed down mine! And here’s the rub – I get the counter argument about running the basic numbers that straights far out number the gays. Okay, I’ll grant you that. But I’ll see your numbers and I’ll counter that there are far more many men who will use the whole gay for pay bit in porn because it gives them the whole “hey, it’s a job” attitude to hide behind. If the social stigma wasn’t there guys would be banging other dudes (whether is a suck or fuck) a helluva lot more often. Guys understand the need to get off – we like to help a brotha out, ya know what I’m sayin’? Cause we get it. Ninety percent of the time it ain’t about the kissey kissey, love fest. The dude just wants to blow a wad and move on. Yeah, to a certain extent even gay guys want the hubby or boyfriend or whatever to come home to and cuddle – just as much as the next guy. But we also get the whole – fuck me, I am bone hard and need a release or I’ll go bat-shit crazy from needing to nut!


Full on bang material.

Now, that’s what I’m talking about!   Full on GANGBANG material –  You go, boy!


Anyway, I didn’t mean to get that deep that quick. But yeah, I sorta am tired to relate to someone else’s story as my own especially when I have to swap genders.  I am gay. Doesn’t mean I am emasculated. I fucking hate that when people expect that when your gay your effeminate. How fucking 1970 Neanderthal can you get? I mean in that reality show “Get Out Alive” there was a straight couple from Georgia and the guy was like completely shocked that the two gay guys on it looked and ACTED like straight guys. Jeezus, head up your ass much in the last 20 years dude?


My go to creative musical muse, Jay Brannan has a brilliant song about this whole concept – it is called Ever After, Happily.



While the entire song is about not having to translate for a gay man’s life, or anyone for that matter, it is the last two lines of the song that haunts me…

“Starting today, I’ll tell the story my way. The King of Imperfection, takes back the Prince of Mistakes…”  – Fucking slays me every time I hear it!

That’s become my mantra. Balls to the wall stories MY way. How my world is. Will they relate to a larger audience – I have absolutely no idea. But what I can know for certain is that they will be MY STORIES/MY WAY. No bones about it (well, wait, no that’s not 100 percent true – my boys will be swinging on a whole lotta bones!) At least they’ll be my perspectives and no one else’s. Other’s may relate, other’s may even share the character’s points of view. But at least I’ll know when I take my last breath upon this Earth, those men will not have to be translated by me. I will know them intimately. And they will be defiantly male.

Now, that’s not to say that I’ll ignore the females in their world. I am not blind nor do I operate in an all male vacuum – would that I could sometimes – no, my women will be strong willed and fiercely independent – even the more mousey variety. But the boys will, by and large, be totally comfortable with themselves in seeking out their own Ever After, Happily.

So yeah, I still have to put up with the whole straight’s dominate schlock that is passed around (I mean, how many times do we have to hear about the head strong female who can’t seem to hook a guy even if she looks like a super model but with a bad hairdo and horrible glasses? Or the bohunk of a guy who can’t seem to find the right girl? Or my absolute favorite (insert heavy dose of sarcasm at will), the star-crossed lovers) – DON’T even get me started on the TV show by the same name!

So yeah, I think I may be getting a bit more militant in my homo-erotic tastes. I’ll still write fully fledged stories with characters across all spectrums, just don’t expect my lovers to be ashamed of who or what they are. That part will (for the most part in my stories) be a thing of the past.

Starting today…

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How much backstory is too much?

Okay, so I have been pondering backstory quite a bit as of late. The reason? I am writing a series of books told by three young men’s perspective over the course of the same events. Each of them has their part of the tale to tell. That’s nothing new in and of itself, right? Yeah, well, not by me. So I’ve had to seriously contemplate the first novel told by that book’s protagonist. I am still in editing mode with that one – beta readers are taking a look at it and providing feedback. So that’s good.

But then the hubby said to me, “You know that what Elliot (my MC in the first novel) sees as important and memorable isn’t necessarily what Marco (his jock quarterback boyfriend) thinks is important, right?”

In some strange part of my psyche, I knew I knew this. Only I hadn’t really given it its due. Marco, the unwavering boyfriend, is his own person. I know this because I created him. But somehow as I was retelling the same story from his perspective, trying like hell to give him a platform to tell his part of the tale, I was somehow shortchanging his experiences and not giving a real look at how he looked at the exact same circumstances but from his life experience.

This should be automatic, right? Yeah, well, it was. Just not to the extent that he deserved. Good thing I am only two chapters into his book that I can regroup and massage it into a better narrative for him. He deserves it. For fuck’s sake he’s the rock in this relationship. His artsy geeky boyfriend is the one who keeps waffling all over the damned place. Not Marco. He’s as fucking solid as they come.

Which brings me to another point – in fiction (esp. queer fiction) I take a rather hard line that cum is different than come. Sure you say I am coming when the guy is getting off. But I would actually like the more porn iteration of the word (and all it’s implied variants) cum, cumming, came (okay, that one sorta breaks the mold). But CUM vs. COME is definitely on my target list. I prefer to use C-U-M as it is a bit raunchier and as a guy, that’s where I am. I like big ol’ messy man on man action. Boys like messy sex. It drives our passions. Cumming is the best fucking thing in the world for us (yeah, yeah, I am sure it is for the ladies when they can get it too. But I don’t write straight erotica so that’s off my radar here).

I am not a piggy sort of guy but I can certainly appreciate when guys get that way. I get it. I truly do. Marco and Elliot (in Angels of Mercy) are very into their form of rutting, cum soaked sex. They like it down and dirty. It’s what grounds them, keeps them bound to each other.

And ladies, don’t let any guy tell you he hasn’t tried to taste his spooge. He’s a fat fucking liar if he does. Every dude has tried it at least once. We’re boys, we can’t help ourselves. The gay dudes that are into it, fuck me, they can’t get enough. Cum dumpster high on the shit like its the best fucking crack around – which, I guess it is. I get that too. Doesn’t mean I wallow in it myself, but I get it. So do my boys.

So back to the backstory question I pose. Marco has quite a bit of backstory that colors his world, how he views it and why. When he (finally) finds the courage to ask Elliot out, he never wavers once he has him. Marco refuses to think of his world without Elliot now that he has him. He would literally tear the world apart to get him back if something ever came between them. Scary obsessive love, that’s the kind of love he brings to Elliot. Elliot doesn’t understand it. He can’t figure out how the hottest guy in their small Northern California town would even look his way let alone profess his everlasting love to him. It rattles his world, shakes it, turns it right-side up on him but he still doesn’t get it.

Marco tells him it ‘ain’t for you to get – it just is, and you better get used to it.’

Gayboys, especially the types who’ve been told they aren’t worthy of any kind of real love, that their perverse or monsters, often can’t handle love when its offered so willingly. Elliot waffles in the beginning because of this. Marco just overwhelms, he consumes and he is very fiery. Leaving Elliot stunned and bewildered and deeply loved. It scares him like no other.


This model has been my inspirational source for Elliot Donahey in my story.

This model has been my inspirational source for Elliot Donahey in my story.


So the first book covers that, with those exact lines from Marco’s mouth about it not being something for Elliot ‘to get.’ But what Marco has behind them is something Elliot can only guess at. Yet in volume 2 of my Angels series, we get to see why Marco tells him that his love for Elliot is weighted, it has history. For Marco, his love has gone on unrequited for two very long and scare filled years wondering if Elliot would even consider going out with him. Marco is a bonafide stud. Girls follow him around, guys try to emulate him, but Marco doesn’t really see that, doesn’t pay it much mind. All he can see is the out gay kid that nearly everyone picks on and, despite the macho air that billows in his wake, all he can feel is how frightened he is that Elliot would reject him. So he waits, he watches, he follows. Consumed by all things Elliot. Marco is right, for him, it does have history – two long years in high school where the bullied gay kid takes no notice of him – slinking from dark recess to dark recess trying to stay out of the limelight. And that is the problem. Marco is nothing but limelight. A great big shiny light.


And here's how I sort of see Marco Sforza (if a slight bit older than in the book).

And here’s how I sort of see Marco Sforza (if a slight bit older than in the book).


And when he thinks he finally has the courage to approach Elliot to just say ‘hey’ and see if he’ll talk to him, he over hears a brutal conversation where Elliot rails to one of his geeky friends about the jocks at school and uses Marco as the poster boy for all things terrible and wrong in his life – never knowing Marco is nearby – torn apart, shredded by the boy he loves but thinks he can now never have.

So, it’s weighted, it has history. For Marco, his backstory about this love for Elliot, how he comes back even stronger and more determined to change Elliot’s mind about what he thinks about him is what is so powerful in his story. My hope is to provide enough of that struggle, enough of his backstory from book one (told by his boyfriend) that we get a chance to see what it means for Marco to ‘man up’ and fight for the man he loves and put it all out there for Elliot to see.

Luckily for him, Elliot is swept off his feet.

Even Marco can’t believe he’s got what he’s always wanted either.

Of course, no one would read a story that was only sunshine and roses. So the boys go through some fairly terrible shit. That’s life. Happy as a clam then you’re eaten by a shark. That’s not to say they don’t get their Ever After, Happily. It’ll just take a heap load of crap to sort through to get there.

But at least my hubby gave me some things to mentally chew on. Marco’s highlights in his pursuit of Elliot are very different for him than that of his boyfriend. And even where they intersect, they have different weight for each. But I guess, as a writer, that’s where the fun comes in. Letting Marco explore what it all means for him. He’s got the boy that no one liked, but that boy was the only one he could see, the only one who mattered.

The only one who had his heart…

Love divine... (with Hottie McHottie - Anthony Romero (the smaller guy))

Love divine… (with Hottie McHottie – Anthony Romero (the smaller guy))


Backstory, it’s the colors we weave to make stories worth telling and for our readers, stories worth reading.

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When porn blurs the line… [NSFW]

So I’ve been trolling one of my favorite sites. Just looking for some hot inspiration to get the creative juices flowing, ya know? And I don’t necessarily mean my juices, although I’m a guy and it’s a pinterest site for gay porn so I guess some of that is bound to happen. I’m a dude, it’s what we do. Well, Pingay is my go-to for a little creative input I need from time to time. But there are enough blogs about porn. What I want is to talk about something a little bent from that horn dog gimme porn or I’ll die scenario. I am a storyteller. Porn isn’t about stories (necessarily). It’s about sex. And to be specific, I am talking about the male on male variety.

But that’s not the thrust of this little ramble. And of course I have a few other sites besides Pingay that I troll for some man on man stimulation. I mean it’s more than just the massive build of his body. More than the allure of his face. Even more than the prodigious endowment of his bone. Though between you and me, it doesn’t hurt to spend time contemplating and imagining what I could do with all of those men on that site. Sure I’m married, and the hubby is definitely number one. Always will be. But I am a writer of M/M romance and erotica so my take on how two men come together is rather important to me. The looks of their eyes when they display their wanton lust for another man. The color of his cheeks when he becomes aroused by the guy he’s grinding against.

But lately, while I like the animalistic rut of say Treasure Island Media’s offerings, I found that there’s another porn studio that’s providing something rather unique – and I am finding it far more erotic to watch than straight up (pardon the expression) gay porn. It’s not just some guy grunting as he bangs his way into oblivion. I know a guy generally doesn’t care where he gets his rocks off. There’s actually a story there – and it’s quite alluring. If I had to choose, oddly enough I think I would generally go with the more erotic offering. Perhaps that’s the writer in me. I am not saying which one is better than the other. That’s not my rant here. And I am not saying that we need to pair them up necessarily.  Hard core slam fuck fest of gay man on man breeding or something just as scintillating yet with an erotically charged intro to really put some perspective on things. Even a bit of humor that’ll have your cheeks a little bit warmer (along with other parts of your body).  A cornucopia of eroticism to plunder.  Normally I wouldn’t be into it. Not because I am a let’s cut to the chase sort of guy either, its just that the guys in these flicks are generally gay for pay and can barely speak – they’re hired for their looks and their sexual prowess, not their intellect and panache in front of a camera. Or so I thought.  I was surprised that a gay porn studio wasn’t just another gay porn studio. I found it left me wanting more…

Of course it didn’t mean I had to stave off the other. But to fuck without some context or not was the question roiling around in my head. There was no reason why a scripted and well acted piece of porn couldn’t be engaging in that way. As long as it ended in an explosion of male testosterone and erupting man milk. Two powerful well toned or muscled bodies colliding in a sexual battle of want and desire. In short, a BIG HOT MESS.

CockyBoys has a series of movies that appeal to this more erotic, get to know your models aspect to it. And, while scripted, it’s surprisingly well acted – even for a porn actor.

I watched one recently with Colby Keller. I don’t know why I am drawn to this guy but he has a sparkle in his eye that catches my attention.

Colby Keller Facial Shot

Colby Keller in all his stunning glory…

Maybe it’s his ease in front of the camera? Maybe it’s his balls to the wall out there in your face sexuality? Perhaps because he’s unabashedly who he is. Maybe that’s the greatest allure of all. Confidence without being cocky. Where confidence is still sexy. Still tangible, still within reach.


A Thing of Beauty animated gif.

Colby Keller (seated), Gabriel Clark sandwich JD Phoenix from CockyBoy’s “A Thing of Beauty” Series.

Another is the Anthony Romero and Austin Wilde pairing in several CockyBoy videos. That series is very erotic as it is sexual. I like the series very much. Whether or not it’s real, it behaves like it is. The actors both acknowledge they’re in the business. They both acknowledge what being in porn and being in a relationship means for them.


Cockyboys Austin WIlde and Anthony Romero kiss on a bridge.

Austin Wilde (left) and his ‘boyfriend’ Anthony Romero share an intimate moment.



It’s a rather interesting approach. I was quite surprised that it worked on so many levels. For one, you get about 3 or 4 minutes of them just talking very intimately with the camera, in other words, you, and tell you a bit about how they met, how it works for them to both be in the business but how the ‘work’ remains at work and they are there for each other after all is done with the shoot. It’s a very intimate and revealing portrait. And I realize that it may just all be make believe for the viewer. Or it may in fact be real, the guys are that good at playing the part. There is a whole series of videos that explore what this ‘relationship’ is like under these circumstances. If it’s scripted, then it’s worlds away from standard porn fair – gay or straight or anything in between. Who cares if it’s fake. If feels  believable. As writers of male/male erotica, isn’t that what we’re after as well?


Austin Wilde Fucks Boyfriend Anthony Romero

Austin WIlde fucks his ‘real-life’ lover Anthony Romero in a Cocyboys porn series highlighting ‘real-life’ couples who work in the business


I really like these three guys (Keller, Romero, and Wilde). They are serious business men in the porn industry but they seem to have their heads screwed on straight (so to speak). Keller even blogs about his experiences at His blog is introspective, very bright and intelligent (a sexy guy who is unashamed of his sexuality and very intelligent on top – Jesus, he’s practically a god among porn men). It doesn’t hurt one iota that he’s auburn/ginger and a scruffy man’s man either. That’s hella hot no matter how you cut it. That he has a brain, self deprecating humor and a dry wicked wit, just makes him rather stellar in my book. He ain’t bad to watch having sex either.

Keller even had a scene with Anthony Romero which was also hot. It played a bit with the whole Anthony in a relationship and in the biz thing a bit. So Cockyboys definitely keep an eye to their own catalog and the worlds they’re trying to build. I am finding this type of porn very inspiring. It’s erotic, it’s filled with testosterone and manliness and at times lust driven hard core, flesh slapping’ sex. Now that’s my kind of inspiration.

If porn would do a bit more of this then I’m all for it. The story doesn’t have to drag on forever (though there is a series that Cockyboys did called ‘The Haunting’ that was quite interesting). Very paranormal in both texture and its deep use of homo-eroticism. Sexy as all fuck. My kinda horror flick. Yeah, I am sooooo over the whole guy needs a girl to be a man thing. So 1960’s Mad Men. Over it – BIG TIME!

And that’s a very good thing in my book…

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How much gay sex is too much?

So the hubby sent me an article that proved to be a bit enlightening (and informative from a historical standpoint).

Read it here

It gave me pause for thought. While I have my first novel in the can (so to speak – still working out the kinks in edits), it did make me think about what I was doing with Angels of Mercy – Volume One. There is quite a bit of sex in that book. Big time gay sex at that. But since they are 18 year old boys – sex is fairly constant on the brain at that point. If you have two boys who are very into each other it will color the dynamics of that relationship.

For my story, Marco and Elliot are very into each other, sometimes to the point where they ignore what’s happening around them. It’s that insular bubble that will eventually allow harm to come too close to Elliot. But the sex, while aplenty in the first novel (it is sub-titled – Elliot’s Summer of Love, after all), there is precious little of it further in the series. The series gets quite dark. Hannibal Lecter dark. So the scintillating factor is all fairly front loaded. Not that there won’t be any in the other two books I’ve planned for the series. But when you’ve got a character that has some recuperating to do coupled with revenge killings going on around them – sex seems to take a back seat, of sorts.

Which brings me back to the article I’ve cited. The author of the New Yorker piece (yeah, I was just as surprised as you might be about where it appeared), it was more of a historical study of where gay sex in literature has been and how it has evolved over time, ultimately came up with the following summation:  as much as the story needs to tell the story.

So while I may have been on pins and needles throughout the process and now through the edits. I am feeling a bit better because my 18 year old boys are fairly sexual with one another. Angels is hot and very, very intense. Being sexually active boys, it’s also very messy. And Marco and Elliot wouldn’t have it any other way.

Indeed, there are times when I don’t think it is a novel at all, more of a character study as you’re in Elliot’s head throughout the book. Elliot waffles. He’s strong. Then he wavers and collapses. Only to have Marco sweep in (I wanted the Jock to be the solid one in the relationship rather than be the one who has doubts) and obliterate the darkness that Elliot has devolved into – bodily throwing himself in bringing so much light to Elliot’s fragile world.

In short, Elliot’s a mess.

But, in truth, most gay boys are. It’s the nature of how we learn to come into our own. I am sure our straight counterparts have some shit they have to deal with at that age BUT what they don’t have to deal with, what sets the gayboys and girls apart is, that they don’t have to deal with the whole ‘I need to hide what I am’ or ‘if I am open about who and what I am I’ve got extra shit piled on top from narrow minded fucktards’ that other teens don’t. Which is, sadly, why some of us don’t make it.

Wow, that last line still gets to me every time I think about how just contemplating teens who feel like they have no other recourse but suicide just tears me up. To the point of being quite angry about it. These are our fellow human beings. Not some random trash to be tossed out. Just thinking about it makes me want to bring them in and give them shelter, love and support that they often don’t get at home.

Heck, if I ever make it big – and given that I am writing to a very small market I doubt that would happen, but IF I do make big, I’d like to create a half-way home for displaced gay youth. Giving back to brothers and sisters who need someone to champion them into the next phase of their lives. That would be my wish. To give back to kids who didn’t have the leg up from positive reinforcing parents or family members like I had.

A lofty dream, but if I don’t dream about something, then what’s all this for (aside from whole artist expression thing)?

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Life inserts itself…

So I haven’t been posting the past couple of days. Not for lack of wanting to, I swear. Ideas have been floating around like flotsam on a swiftly moving stream. Sometimes I can’t get them down before they go floating off. Slinking away to wherever ideas go when they aren’t plucked up in time.

I’ve been firmly entrenched the past few days on Skid Row. No, not the slums of San Francisco, though it would be an apt description, I suppose. But this particular Skid Row is my granddaughter’s school production of Little Shop of Horrors. She goes to a elementary/middle private school in Marin County. The school pulls out all the stops for their year end school musical. This year it’s Little Shop. And because I have oodles of years in my past in theatre, I donate my time to help out with their production.


Little Shop of Horrors

Little Shop of Horrors Logo


The cool thing this time around is that they chose a musical that is very high on my list. Something that I successfully passed to my granddaughter. She isn’t old enough to have tried out for one of the leads (she’s a walk-on customer and a part of the plant – which was her second choice of roles (the plant, not the customer)). She plays the plant with real gusto.

So I’ve been assisting with getting the kids through hell week to opening night (which was last night). We had everything a musical production goes through as it gets mounted… lead actor meltdowns, inconsistent knowledge of the script, musical numbers that had to be woodshedded and cleaned up while the rest of the show was going through painful tech stop/start rehearsals.

Anything to get the show mounted and running. We ran right up to the doors being opened so friends and family could make their way in. In addition to assistant directing duties, I was choreographer, hair/makeup, costume master, prop master and just about anything else that someone wasn’t taking care of. I take time off from work (yeah, donate my vacation time where I could be doing something else, to the school play. I’m aces with my granddaughter. That’s cool enough for me).

Thank goodness they only run for two nights. So while opening was last night, we’ve got closing night tonight. Yup, three months of prep and meetings for TWO nights – and as Martha Stewart says, ‘that’s a very good thing.’  (Only because I don’t think I could take it if it went on longer…)

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