Why can’t we have it all?
31 Days of Brannan – Day 9
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Today’s Playlist: Can’t Have It All
Author’s Note: Okay, so I wrote this one yesterday but like the dork I can be – I thought I pressed PUBLISH but instead only saved it as a draft. So here it is, a day late but as they say…
I’ve been contemplating the words to this song for some time now. It’s a concept that is not foreign to any of us – gay, straight, whatever race, creed or color. We want the best in life that it has to offer. Jay’s words in this song are universal in their reach and appeal. We’ve all been there at one time or another –
applying moisturizer in the microwave window
for the tenth time, he should have call me an hour ago
would he be here with flowers if i loved in Arizona?
they say there’s no love left in the big cities, it’s kinda true
i guess you’ll find me coming soon to the small town near you
i’ll sell my guitar so i can buy myself a tractor
fuck this, this can’t be my life
i moisturized ten times tonight
why can’t i sit down and write,
bring this question to light?Chorus:
do you want a lover, or do you want a life?
one hand or the other, the butter or the bread knife?
do you choose winter, spring, summer, or fall?
it’s driving me crazy that i can’t have it all
The pondering of what if’s. Nothing could be more hellish or cyclic and demoralizing than pondering those romantically laden ‘what-if’s’ – am I right?
Yet, because we strive for that moment of recognition, the ‘I see you…’ from some we find attractive or desirable, if only to validate that we matter somehow in this crazy fucked up world. The constant swimming upstream when everyone else, who already have that special someone get to coast along with the flow of life headed in the opposite direction. If anything so we can put down the struggle to connect with another human being in a meaningful and fulfilling way.
I particularly like Jay’s turnabout moment in the ‘fuck this, this can’t be my life, I moisturized ten times tonight…’ – humorous and yet so revealing in how we all feel at that poignant moment when we feel we just can’t bear it any more. Then that specter called defeat looms over our shoulder and whispers how much simpler it’d be if we just gave up the struggle. If we just pursued some life endeavor that would cloud the loss in us. That would sweep it under the rug of being aggressive in some other fulfilling part of our psyche. Overwhelm the hole in our heart with other pursuits.
Then Jay poses the questions that hang in the balance – ‘Do you want a lover, or do you want a life?’ A simple, if complicated, question to ponder. Ultimately he is pressing the whole concept of why do we have to ponder one over the other at all. But he presses on with the inner debate –
if these walls could talk, they’d probably cry out for mercy
’till i’m outlined in chalk, i’ll be romantically thirsty
so i drink and i drink from the proverbial time sink
fuck this, this can’t be my life
tears flowing in full force tonight
why can’t i sit down and write,
bring this question to light?Chorus:
do you want a lover, or do you want a life?
one hand or the other, the butter or the bread knife?
do you choose winter, spring, summer, or fall?
it’s driving me crazy that i can’t have it all
So now we’re at the emotive moment where we’re ready to throw in the towel. We’re over it – though our hearts scream and plead with us to keep up the search, to know that he’s out there, probably just as lost and lonely and we just haven’t turned the right corner, or bumped into them accidentally at the grocery store. You know, one of those movie land moments you see in all the rom-coms? But it is in the bridge that Brannan’s distinctive brand of pathos cuts and reveals the question we all have in ourselves. No matter how confident we may be in our lives, what we feel we’re worth, there is inherently some part of us deep within that constantly ponders – will someone find me special, find me worthy of their love and devotion?
Bridge:
do we hold the future, or does it come in peace?
and if it’s in my hands, are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?
life, love, and the pursuit of, all the things they promised me
can i have all of the above? are the best things in life truly free?
These are heady moments when contemplating the value the love of another can bring to our lives. I’m lucky. I’ve got the man in my life that has blessed me with 20 years of his life by my side. Solid, unwavering and resolute that we’ll face everything together – up unto our last breaths. And if there’s a beyond… well, I’m sure we’d find each other then. Somehow.
Which brings us to the same round of questioning as before but with a defiant turn with the last line –
do you want a lover, or do you want a life?
one hand or the other, the butter or the bread knife?
do you choose winter, spring, summer, or fall?
it’s driving me crazy that i can’t have it all
And therein lies the rub: we should be able to have it all.
The Always, Then & Now Tour…
Please check out his site with links for his upcoming shows. I am definitely a late comer to the Brannan bandwagon whenever he pulls through my city. But now that I am going this year, I am making it a goal never to miss when he swings through town. I hope you take advantage of the opportunity as well. Also be sure to check out his web store at the following link.
- Jay’s Website – jaybrannan.com
A Place to Call Home…
31 Days of Brannan – Day 8
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Today’s Playlist – Home
This song never fails to tear me up. Whether Jay’s intent was to bring up the visual of runaway or displaced youth, trying like hell to eke out an existence in this sometimes harsh world or not, but that is what came up for me when I first heard it.
It’s something that’s been on my mind as of late. Being an older guy, I’ve been wanting to give back to the younger generations. Displaced youth, especially my glbt brothers and sisters who’ve lost their only home because their families couldn’t see beyond their own short-sighted prejudice against their own flesh, blood and bone and what they had hoped would be unconditional love and support only to be completely abandoned. Their worth plummets and they have to quickly grow up and figure out how to make their own way in the world.
Youth often doesn’t think big picture, or envision the long term effects of recent and often rash decisions. Extrapolation isn’t often in their vernacular – let alone an element of their reasoning/logic.
Fatal habits, broken dreams
Waking up isn’t all it seems
We held on to what we couldn’t see
I carried you, you carried meCamped out in Hollywood roasting letters from your father
We proved survival of the why bother[CHORUS:]
We were young and excited
We were lost and alone
We were free, but misguided
And we had no place to call home
These opening lines took me there. The what if moment of my own life. Now, mind you, I didn’t experience any of that. My parents loved and supported me unconditionally – often even when they didn’t understand me. So I had no such worries that plagued my burgeoning gayboy existence. I was unfettered to explore what being a young gay man meant to me (thankfully beyond the hell that was high school).
But it just as easily could have been my life. Thrown to the wind with no degree of support or knowing I had any place to call home other than the small square foot of space I happened to occupy at any given time.
In the first verse and chorus of Home my takeaway was that this was exactly what could’ve been for me. Jay’s vocals completely support this. There is an understated power lingering as an undercurrent of how Jay slowly reveals the harsh reality he paints. Boys trying to find their own way – finding happiness and pleasures when and where they could to make life at least bearable.
Same old story, different song
Most people get the lyrics wrong
Verse by verse we rode a raging bull
Stomach empty, balls fullLate nights in Hollywood banging guitars and boys
Swingsets and cigarettes were our joys[CHORUS]
We were young and excited
We were lost and alone
We were free, but misguided
And we had no place to call home
I do love the imagery he calls up here in the song – as bittersweet as it is. The manner with which these misguided boys strive to exist and support one another, the freedom they strive to claim for themselves but still harnessed to the harsh reality of what this sort of existence brings is both heart rending as it is poignant.
Then the bridge comes – confirming the pathos that has only up to now bubbling under the surface. Jay’s carefully chosen prose is both impactful as it is cutting. It is the last line that when it comes, and I’ve sung this song in the car with him many times, never fails to bring a tear to my eyes, most go unshed but only because I blinked them all back. But the pain – both implied and imagined with those words – the raw and vulnerable emotions behind them – say everything to me about displaced youth and the inhumanity of it all. I’ve bolded it for easy reference.
Why don’t the Gidoens leave condoms in the drawer?
Bibles don’t save many people anymore
We took up quarters in the bathroom, there were dollars on the floor
I looked at you, you said to me, “Jay, we’re worth more”We were young and excited
We were lost and alone
We were free, but misguided
And we’d found a place to call home
The Always, Then & Now Tour…
Please check out his site with links for his upcoming shows. I am definitely a late comer to the Brannan bandwagon whenever he pulls through my city. But now that I am going this year, I am making it a goal never to miss when he swings through town. I hope you take advantage of the opportunity as well. Also be sure to check out his web store at the following link.
- Jay’s Website – jaybrannan.com
He does it… Beautifully…
31 Days of Brannan – Day 7
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Today’s Playlist – Beautifully (and the Behind the scenes)
I love the idea of pairing these two videos. Here is where Jay is pure bard. He spins one tale from the text of the song itself but with a clever and well chosen production crew they come up with a spin on it that is really a lovely twist on presenting the same tale but with a subtext that is just as riveting as the prose of the song.
The video is cast perfectly, with the strong chinned hero of the story – calling up the Hollywood leading men of the golden age of movie making. Indeed, the entire art direction was spot on with how they blended the classic films of that era and the behind the scenes of producing those types of classic movies.
The woman cast as the starlet who has fallen in love with her co-star (though he feigns either indifference or her status in “his” Hollywood isn’t up to snuff. He’s nice about it but his cold shoulder between ‘takes’ sets a very clear line in the sand between them). I also love the inference that she takes no notice of Jay’s character who seems to look longingly at her but as a theatre usher or bellboy (I couldn’t really tell which) he is beneath her noticing his interest – in other words, the cycle continues unabated.
This video works on many levels and I particularly liked the behind the scenes that he posted. Having a daughter who was a cinema major only increased my desire to look behind the creation of various cinema projects. I always look for behind the scene sequences on any DVD or digital download from iTunes. They’re sort of my guilty pleasure. I am just addicted to the creative process. Sort of a junkie for that sort of thing. Even though I spent many a hour under the spotlight of the stage, I was actually more at home hanging out with the production crew. I worked for a theatrical distributor (of theatre lighting and sound equipment and such) so the tech/production crew were my peeps. I understood them. I get what they’re about. Sure performing is cool and all – and I’ve been lucky enough to play to some very large houses but the tech crew were always home to me.
So thanks Jay for posting this. The people who are often only names during the credit roll. I think it’s totally cool that you gave them a moment on your channel.
I got to have my guilty pleasure of a BTS moment, and got to enjoy the fruits of your (and your crews) labors.
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The Always, Then & Now Tour…
Sidebar: I bought my Deluxe Package from Jay Brannan’s store for the tour he’s embarking on now. The cost of the deluxe package is $40 and you get quite a bit for it. There are other packages as well. But that isn’t why I did it. I did it because I truly feel indebted to this man of words and music. I am enriched by his musical musings and experiences. I am emboldened to discover that I am not alone in my dreams and fears. And for that I will always support him and do what I can to spread the word.
The deluxe tour package from Jay Brannan’s merchandise store – get this or many other offerings from his site.
Please check out his site with links for his upcoming shows. I am definitely a late comer to the Brannan bandwagon whenever he pulls through my city. But now that I am going this year, I am making it a goal never to miss when he swings through town. I hope you take advantage of the opportunity as well. Also be sure to check out his web store at the following link.
- Jay’s Website – jaybrannan.com
Under the Covers with Jay…
31 Days of Brannan – Day 7
(A bit later than I wanted – technical issues)
Today’s Playlist – Landslide and Super Bass
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Errata – So I had technical issues of a major sort with my web hosting site. I couldn’t get it to respond or wouldn’t even serve up additional pages or the WP admin site. I was beside myself. Luckily the support team responded rather quickly and acknowledged that the server was having issues. They corrected it but it was well past my bed time to post.
SO, this is the post I was going to put up yesterday. So we’ll get two for today to make up for the technical fubar.
Jay is rather well known by his fans for his careful selection of cover material. All artists do it from time to time – putting their spin on classic tunes we all know and love. When Jay does it they truly do gain a new life of sorts. Not that they take away from the classics, it’s not that at all. Jay’s respectful enough to leave the lingering sentimentality of the song to caress your ear and remind you of times long past. Things that you thought were buried but with his dulcet tones they come swimming back.
Such was the case for me when he covered Landslide. Like many of my generation (I was around when Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks were exploding on the scene back in the 70’s), FM and Nicks were monumental in the soundtrack from my life back then. Nicks in particular reminds me of my friend Crystal. She was into wicca back in the day and hell, that rumor swirled around Nicks like the fringed shawl she would use on stage. She was a very magical act to behold. I listened to all of the classic bands back then – Heart, Queen, Boston, Journey, Styx, The Mac and Stevie. But Stevie was special in my mind. Probably because Crystal’s whole outlook on her music drove that for me.
We were in high school, dealing with all of the social cliques and unwritten but oft remembered laws that govern that microscopic enclave we called academia. For me, being gay and fairly obvious about it in the late seventies and early eighties was no easy thing to burden. Crystal was my get away. I was over her house quite a bit in those days. We did what most teens did… we played songs and we sang our hearts out – probably because we were both in choir (how gay can you get for a high school boy, right?).
Rhiannon, Go Your Own Way, Dreams, they were all on our playlists in our head in those days of vinyl. And kids, let me tell you NO digital file can compare with an analog recording – forget what the marketers and the tech geeks say – vinyl rules.
Anywho, so when Jay released this little cover on his youtube channel, I was over the moon to hear it. His rendering of the song is quite emotive for me – recalling those days so long ago and the naiveté that permeated my teen years. My senior year was another story altogether – but I’ll leave that for another time.
So Jay – yeah, thanks for taking me back, though I am fully cognizant that that wasn’t your goal, it was the unintended effect on my part. I got sentimental for those days. Recalling that boy so long ago and the heady, romantic ideals I had about what being with a boy would be like.
But a lot of your songs do that for me. They take me back. Just as emotive as those sentimental favorites. Probably why Rob Me Blind (along with your entire catalog) is constantly playing in the car. They are my new classics, my new sentimental favorites.
And I sing them with no less sentimentality than Landslide or Dreams. Denmark and Rob Me Blind have just as prominent a place as those songs did from my past. Rob Me is my new soundtrack for this stage of my life. And I couldn’t be happier…
And now for something completely different… SUPER BASS
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Just my giggle moment from Jay. I love that he can go there and take us along for the ride.
The Always, Then & Now Tour…
Sidebar: I bought my Deluxe Package from Jay Brannan’s store for the tour he’s embarking on now. The cost of the deluxe package is $40 and you get quite a bit for it. There are other packages as well. But that isn’t why I did it. I did it because I truly feel indebted to this man of words and music. I am enriched by his musical musings and experiences. I am emboldened to discover that I am not alone in my dreams and fears. And for that I will always support him and do what I can to spread the word.
The deluxe tour package from Jay Brannan’s merchandise store – get this or many other offerings from his site.
Please check out his site with links for his upcoming shows. I am definitely a late comer to the Brannan bandwagon whenever he pulls through my city. But now that I am going this year, I am making it a goal never to miss when he swings through town. I hope you take advantage of the opportunity as well. Also be sure to check out his web store at the following link.
- Jay’s Website – jaybrannan.com
Blue Haired Ladies and a Life Alone…
31 Days of Brannan – Day 5
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Today’s Playlist – Blue Haired Lady
(From the forthcoming Always, Then and Now due July 15th!)
So Jay released this about a week or so ago. My granddaughter kept prodding me to watch/listen to it. Yeah, she’s an über Jay fan too. My doing. She couldn’t help herself, really. I play him nearly all the time in the car. She knows the lyrics to his songs nearly as well as I do (though she refuses to sing the third verse of ‘On All Fours” – but not because I prohibit her from doing so, it’s her personal choice to avoid that F-bomb loaded verse). Anyway, she kept telling me to listen to it. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to – über Jay fan here myself, remember?
So what was the hold up?
Simply put: I just wanted to savor something new from him.
I knew the new work was set to drop on the fifteenth of this month so I knew time was ticking away when I’d get all of them into my little mitts. I did watch/listen to Always, Then and Now on his YouTube channel – so there was a small precedent. But for some reason the ‘official’ video release seemed something bigger. So this is a write up after watching it just once. Sort of my first impressions from the moments just after I’ve absorbed it.
It’s a touching piece. There’s a gentle maturity to his work that I am really enthused about (not that his earlier work was juvenile in any way – far from it), but there is a gentility that is threading through his work lately. Even in his choice of covers that he peppers on his youtube channel. He seems to be contemplating things that appear outside of his realm of personal experience. In Blue Haired Lady he gives us a very personal tale that has weight in the longevity of her life. The imagery of the video supports this with the books strewn on the brown and withered field where he is simply singing the song.
This is one of the elements I love about his work. The simplicity of how he brings it to us, allowing the words and melody to take center stage but the visuals are carefully thought out and support the strength of the tale he choses to share with us. There’s solid craft there – not only musically (LOVE the string arrangements, btw) but the overall movement of the tale he is telling. The pace, the evolution and the circular momentum of this woman’s life and her impending demise. How she choses to accept her passing – realizing that it is something that while surrounded by her loved one’s is something she alone will experience (as we all shall). In this is the cautionary moment, the point which her continual thought that she never wanted to die alone to the point where she realizes that death was nothing but a singular experience.
The lens flares were used to great effect here, never becoming a nuisance – indeed, it supports the whole ‘light’ that many have said they see when they’ve experienced a near death experience.
Death is never an easy thing to discuss. The fear of the unknown, of the potential pain involved, the end of one’s existence is not something we all want to contemplate.
Brannan’s tale is emotive without becoming maudlin. If this is an example of what the new work holds in store I am confident that we are in for a stellar release from him. This one may supplant my current favorite ‘Rob Me Blind’ which has become my most played album on my musical devices.
Can’t wait for the 15th to get here.
The Always, Then & Now Tour…
Sidebar: I bought my Deluxe Package from Jay Brannan’s store for the tour he’s embarking on now. The cost of the deluxe package is $40 and you get quite a bit for it. There are other packages as well. But that isn’t why I did it. I did it because I truly feel indebted to this man of words and music. I am enriched by his musical musings and experiences. I am emboldened to discover that I am not alone in my dreams and fears. And for that I will always support him and do what I can to spread the word.
The deluxe tour package from Jay Brannan’s merchandise store – get this or many other offerings from his site.
Please check out his site with links for his upcoming shows. I am definitely a late comer to the Brannan bandwagon whenever he pulls through my city. But now that I am going this year, I am making it a goal never to miss when he swings through town. I hope you take advantage of the opportunity as well. Also be sure to check out his web store at the following link.
Jay’s Website – jaybrannan.com